


Inhuman

by Tuuna



Category: The Expanse (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:21:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24254293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuuna/pseuds/Tuuna
Summary: Drabble. Holden vision at the ring station has profound implications.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Inhuman

**Author's Note:**

> Post Holden's vision at the ring station. When I see him discussing it with people on the show it seems less like a vision and more of an experience. So I'm thinking that a human brain experiencing something like that ought to have consequences. Kinda mixing canon and non-canon as I think the timeline and events are the same but Holden as a person is different.

When Holden wakes up he is different, cracked somehow. His connection to reality has become frayed. Its not noticeable at first, things seem fine. But what the station did to him, and Miller before that, it changed something. Something fundamental in his being. Humans are not meant to see the big picture. When Holden saw the information Miller wanted about the rings, the thing is it wasn’t just information. It was lives and deaths, civilisations and annihilation, him being every single being ever touched by the rings and feeling them all be wiped out of existence. In reality it was just a few seconds, but for Holden it was years upon years upon years of being something other. 

When he comes to with Bobbie looming over him his brain had compressed it all and made seem like a blip on the radar. He was human again, just Holden. But at the edge of his mind he could feel the chattering, the static of the universe. Lives led and lost, worlds burnt to ashes and civilisations glories and falls. As he sleeps it happens over and over again, the door had been opened. Now that he was plugged into the rings there was no escape. Human by day and something different at night. Holden helped humanity escape the rings and he helped Miller open the gates. 

Sometimes people pick up on his otherness. His crew of course knows on some level, but they love him and grounds him and so it doesn’t really matter. It is the strangers who get bothered. When he sometimes blanks in a conversation because at the other side of the universe Miller tugs too hard and Holden stops existing. When he looks to long in their eyes and all they see is the stars extinguishing. When he knows too much, can do too much yet should have never even been there. He isn’t human anymore. Not in the way that counts. He has no continuity, no sense of self. His brain works hard to keep Holden contained, but he is a being with an eternity in his mind. His small human self works mostly, but he can tell that one day Holden will be swallowed up by the universe. 

Some say that he is a Messiah, and envy him. But to be cracked open, sewn into the universes being, a humpty-dumpty of a person, what is there to envy. Humans are not supposed to be the bearer of history. They are supposed to live small lives, make small efforts and effects. What Holden has been made to carry is not his. More and more he sleeps. For in his sleep he doesn’t have to remember he is human and perhaps one day soon he won’t ever have to wake up.

**Author's Note:**

> Well... I wrote this quickly and I'm not much of an writer. However, I sometimes get strong flashes of inspiration for fanfictions and this was one of them. I find Holden's experience with Miller and particularly at the ring station fascinating. His vision and connection to Miller and whatever else really tickles my imagination. But I haven't really found any fics dealing with this aspect of the show. So now I wrote one myself ;)


End file.
